In your recovery you will come across some negative people, especially
in the recovery community. You will run into that person that says, “There
is no cure for sex addiction” or “Sex addicts are ALL evil.” Do
not let this discourage you, the world is a mean place and the bible tells us
that people will let us down. There are websites that masquerade as recovery
sites but in reality are just haunts for the broken people who have drifted so
far away from God that they now lash out on anyone who offers help. The sad
thing is misery loves company. We all know that anger is a secondary emotion so
do not take it personally when you read things like “I do not see a man in
REAL recovery, whatever that ‘is’. I am not convinced, that it’s even possible, long term.” Instead think of what that person went through to make them believe that. Negativity
can pose a real threat to your recovery, if you allow it. Remember you are not a
statistic; you are a new man in Christ. Don’t stand for people referring to you
as an “SA”, you have a name! This addiction does not define you.
Recently I was hit with the most negative comments I have ever experienced and
to be honest I was furious. I felt so wronged and helpless, with no recourse
what so ever. How could they? I wanted revenge in the worst way, but then that
would have been how the old Jeff reacted. I would like to tell you that I prayed and
I felt better but I didn’t. I sat and stewed for a while and then I began to
challenge all of the negative comments that were hurled my way. Once I saw the
attack for what it was I felt much better. It wasn’t even about me it was years
and years of unresolved pain and a terrible support system. I couldn’t blame
the person. I’d be angry too. This perspective helped me have compassion that
led to forgiveness. I hope all of us can ban together as a community and
provide support for our brothers out there who are being bombarded with
negativity. There are brothers who have taken their own lives because someone
called them evil and told them that recovery was impossible….long term that
is (as if there is any other kind). My point is you’re going to run into this
garbage. Here’s just a taste of what I got “Jeff IS unqualified AND
condescending and I’m afraid not very insightful about his disorder.” Do
you know how badly I wanted to defend myself? You can’t do it; it will only
bring out the worst in you and give them more power. Grab on to the
positive…your faith, your family, or even your sense of humor. I had to laugh
when my typos and grammar came under attack because that’s something that is
true. I guess I should be flattered. I have a critic.
Negative people
She’s not your Cheerleader
You just collected your three month chip, you get a hug from whoever is passing out chips that night, you tell everyone how you did it, and then you race home to show your wife that shinny piece of plastic that’s been burning a hole in your pocket. Bounding in the front door you slap the chip on the table and slowing walk off with out saying a word, you don’t want to bring too much attention to yourself or the chip because while working the steps you’ve realized pride is one of your major character defects. Such a flair for the dramatic….A couple minutes pass and you growing wearing of the lack of aknowledgement, what is wrong with her? You know she saw that shinny token of joy! Then you notice she seems to be purposly ignoring you…on your speacial night! What’s worse is she looks like she is upset, is she really doing this tonight of all nights? With quit a bit of hesitation you finally break down and ask her what’s wrong. “When you were acting out did you ever think about me at home wondering where you were?” Instantly your blood runs cold, you’ve just been gut punched with one sentence aimed to tear down everything you’ve accomplished in the last three months. Ok, lets try to get out of our addict centric mindset for just a second. Let’s consider just for a moment that she might not see three months of sobriety as quite the accomplishment you do, I mean do the math 3 months does not negate 11 years of acting out. Make sense? Try getting your need for awknoledgment met by the group where three months actually is a big deal. My point is you can’t expect your spouse to glorify you just because your acting like the man you were suppose to be all along.
The best offense is no defense.
Now that football season is here I feel obliged to use a gridiron analogy. We’ve all heard the term defense wins championships. Well in football it does, in recovery it doesn’t. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a spouse say “He just doesn’t get it”. She’s right, we don’t get it, we can’t understand the terrible pain we have inflicted. The trauma that torments her and the triggers that seem to be around every corner are foreign to us. Most of us can identify our triggers, character defects, resentments, and anything else recovery based. We continue to live an addict centric life. This is our biggest failure as addicts. We seem to think that because we are in recovery and one month, six months, or maybe even a year has past, that we never have to talk about the past, never have to answer questions about our acting out or recovery. We are appalled when our honesty is questioned and frustrated because she just can’t see why all the work we put into recovery of the last month doesn’t negate the ten or twenty years we acted out. Sound familiar? Back to football, on the offensive side of the ball you are probably doing great going to meetings, using your accountability partners, working the steps with a sponsor, prayer and meditation every morning…… It’s great to feel like a new man, that is until you walk in the door and she asks you “Where did you take her to have sex?” Gut punched! How could she? I just got out of a meeting, I’m doing everything I’m suppose to be doing! Watch out coach, sounds like you’re going on the defensive. A little advice if I may; Stop, breath, understand that while you have sprinted ahead in your recovery she may not be in the same place. In the Army we have a saying, “Never leave a man behind.” Why on earth would you leave your wife behind? Answering questions, getting grilled, or listening while she vents or unloads is part of your job now. You have a duty to support your wife…….period. What would it look like if you answered the questions in a calm voice with empathy. Empathy, there’s a new concept. I know it’s not easy to comfort someone who is bringing up all the stuff that makes you cringe or cursing you out at the top of her lungs, but in order to help her you cannot play defense. Defense will not win you anything here. Stick to offense, you’ll score more points that way.
The Cycle of Addiction
Sexual acting out in an addictive way typically starts with a need for control. When a person has a set of strong feelings he or she usually has a need for something, and those struggling with sexual compulsivity typically have a long history of unmet needs and suffering.
For example, anger produces the need for validation and the need to be understood and heard; sadness can produce the need for soothing or to be held; joy the need for validation and connection. These feelings create dependency needs that are generally needs in relation to other people.
This inability to get needs met often begins in childhood. When a smart child doesn’t get his or her needs met, the child learns, “I can handle things myself.” The next time he or she has a need, the child figures things out alone, begins to learn not to have needs or learns not to respond to them. This is the perfect environment for the making of an addict.
Patrick Carnes Ph.D. talks about the “hijacked brain.” It’s a little like being late for an appointment. All you can focus on is getting where you need to go; there’s no other reality. When the sex addict is in this state, others become objects to be judged, sexualized, pursued, hunted, sought, and checked up on. Misperceptions occur: mistaking intensity for intimacy, obsession for caring, and control for security.The next phase of the cycle is the ritualization phase. This consists of special routines that are created to intensify the preoccupation, which adds arousal, excitement and a sense of control. The rituals include but are not limited to: cruising, choice of clothing and/or music, cleaning the house in order to create the right “vibe” to act out in, etc. The rituals can be a further distraction from feelings of unloveability and worthlessness.
The actual acting-out phase is the shortest in the cycle. The behaviors include but are not limited to: affairs, compulsive masturbation, pornography addiction, cybersex, secrecy, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent calls or touch, strip clubs, and anonymous sex.
Finally, sex addicts often report that despair begins shortly after the sexual act has occurred. Despair is utter hopelessness, sadness, desperation and fear over one’s powerlessness. It can come in the form of guilt: “I have done something bad,” and/or shame: “I am a bad person.”
Tricks Pornographers Play
Click on the link to read the article from Porn-Free.org
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/tricks-pornographers-play.html
Who will love me for me
And now that we are listening He can tell us that He loves us for who we are, the men He created in His own imagine. And He loves us. Click on the link below and as you listen to the lyrics substitute your story. I went most of my life without knowing what love and intamacy were. Our heavenly Father sets the perfect example.
Dear Paul:
If I could write a letter and send it back in time I think I would write the apostle Paul. That letter would go something like this:
Dear Paul:
Thank you for the all the cool stuff you wrote in the bible. I’ve found it really beneficial these past couple of years while battling through my addiction. I think you should know your words have spread far beyond Corinth, Galatia, Philippia, and Thessalonia. Anyway, the reason I’m writing you is to get some clarification on something you wrote; 2 Corithians 10:5, the part where you talk about taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. Paul, I think this is an awesome concept, the problem is I have about three trillion thoughts every second. If I tried to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ I don’t think I could do much else. Literally I doubt I could get out of bed, eat, or any of the routine things I do through out my day. Furthermore some of these thoughts put up more of a fight than others, what’s a guy to do? I really think I would go insane trying to capture all these rouge thoughts, I’d be a better cat herder. What I would like to think you meant by this is take those thoughts that the Holy Spirit convicts us of captive. This works for me Paul, I don’t feel so terrible all the time, I can get out of bed and look at myself in the mirror and still know that I am in the fight.
Obviously I’ll never get an answer to this notional letter but if you’re like me and really enjoy beating yourself up, try taking only those thoughts you feel convicted of captive, you know the ones I’m talking about. Ask God in your morning prayer to take care of the rest you might even be able to have a cup of coffee if you do. Continue reading
